Vain Hope

In my last post I wrote, "As my staging event approaches, I hope to be able to write blog posts more frequently..." Ha!

Life has been so hectic, and I've had so much to do, felt so much stress, that I cannot remember a more difficult time. I wish I could say I'm handling it with grace, but I am not. I'm peevish and snap at the people I love, and I know I'll regret this even more later, feeling their absence from my life. I already do feel bad, as soon as my temper calms. Then I shift to feeling sad, about the loss of my home and my routines, and at my own imperfections. My orderly, boring little life is disintegrating, and my unease is causing nightmares for the first time since I can remember.

I wonder if I've made a huge mistake. I wonder if I'm really as resilient as I thought. What was I thinking? I also know that I'm my own worst enemy when I cheat myself of the necessities of exercise, rest, meditation and good nutrition (I've been eating a lot of hurried, fast-food meals: NOT my usual fare!). Yet this is the time I'm least able to give myself permission to take these things. I'd better turn over a new leaf, and fast. Starting tomorrow, I am going to get at least a half-hour a day for the exercise, at least 15 for the meditation, and I will make a greater effort to get to bed early. As for the food, it will be a little easier now that the madness of the last sale is over.

Speaking of the sale, I have to say it was a mixed outcome. I did sell a lot of junk for nickles and dimes, and yes, I got rid of a lot of little things, which is nice, but I had hoped to sell the larger things too, which would have made the huge effort worth the outcome. As it is, I still have most of the furniture I'd hoped would go. A couple hundred dollars for three days work is hardly a good return, and I'm left thinking I would have been better off giving that junk to a charity shop and focusing on selling the larger items -- yet I have listed all those larger items on classified ad sites as well, so perhaps that isn't the right way to think about it.

Anyway, what's done is done. I have one more day to pack, four more days at work and perhaps a few hours of evening time on three of them, to finish getting everything ready to go into storage. God bless my wonderful family and friends, who are all so supportive! My sister is leaving tomorrow, having helped me with the sale, and my dearest good buddy Mark will be here on Thursday night, to help me get the remainder done, the van loaded and the apartment cleared. I'm treating myself to 90 minutes of professional cleaning service to finish up my obligations to my landlord, and once all my belongings are in the storage locker, Mark and I will leave for our road trip. That time will probably be the biggest blessing of all: One week with no obligations and plenty of time to catch all the little tasks I may have missed in my rushing around.

Tonight is also the last night I will spend with my little furry friend. My sister is taking my cat back to my mother's townhouse. She will live there while I'm in Morocco. I feel very sad about saying goodbye to her. I know she'll be well taken care of, but I know it will be hard on her, and she will wonder why her life has suddenly been so disrupted, with the loss of home and companion. I will feel very bad if her health suffers, as it well may. She is 13 years old, and although healthy, she's had a pretty stable life and has lived 11 of those years in one apartment, which she's now going to leave forever.

Well, I do need to get some sleep now so I will write more later.